


Pomp and Circumstance

by Chaos_Valkyrie



Series: Pomp and Circumstance [1]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Alchemy, Alternate Universe - High School, Gen, Graduation, Graduation Speeches, Pranks and Practical Jokes, minor past character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-20
Updated: 2016-04-24
Packaged: 2018-06-03 11:38:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6609274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chaos_Valkyrie/pseuds/Chaos_Valkyrie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I could bore you with the long dreary speech I was forced to turn in to our dear old principle a week ago, filled with clichés regarding honor, duty, and education, but as you all well know, I have not spent the last four years doing a single damn thing this bastard has told me to, so why start now?”</p><p>All the students in the auditorium cheered, and Edward grinned as he saw money change hands between faculty members. He looked over his shoulder, daring Mustang to stop him.</p><p>Mustang, who had been frowning, smirked at Edward’s challenging expression as if to say, ‘Do your worst.’</p><p>Edward grinned. Oh, he would.</p><p>*****</p><p>Edward's graduating from the Flamel Academy, and has quite a few old scores to settle at the main event.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. aka The Prank to End All Pranks, Part One

**Author's Note:**

> This came to me while editing another fic. I giggled the entire time I wrote this. (Oh, name spellings are manga based… I wanted the Tringham brothers in this, though, so I stuck with the anime spellings for them.)
> 
> Premise: Alternate Universe. A series of stories depicting Ed’s reign of terror as a student of the Flamel Academy, a prestigious private school. Alchemy still exists. Trisha is still dead. Ed still has automail. Al was never a suit of armor. Hohenheim is… somewhere yet to be revealed. And Ed spends four years making it his private mission to make the life of one Roy Mustang, the school’s principle/headmaster, a living hell.

Black eyes set in a pale face glittered as they looked out over the gathered assembly. Dressed in the headmaster’s robes of one of the most esteemed private schools in Amestris, Roy Mustang smirked as he addressed the gathered family and friends before him.

“And now, without further ado, I introduce the class valedictorian Edward Elric, who will now give our commencement address. Please, get out your magnifying glasses –“

“WHO’RE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THEY WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO SEE ME STANDING BEHIND THE PODIUM WITH AN ELECTRON MICROSCOPE!”

“You, shrimp,” Roy smirked as he returned to his seat on the stage, next to the superintendent Bradley and several school-board members.

“BASTARD!” the boy snarled as he stormed up the aisle to the stage and up to the podium.

The students erupted into laughter, as did many of the family members who had heard rumors of the volatile blond. He glared over his shoulder at Mustang, daring him to comment as he was forced to lower the microphone.

Roy smirked, but said nothing. 

Edward took a deep breath to calm himself as he looked out at those gathered before him.

“Fellow classmates, esteemed faculty, and various honored relations,”

He coughed, and then smirked.

“I could bore you with the long dreary speech I was forced to turn in to our dear old principle a week ago –“

“Thirty is not old!”

“– filled with clichés regarding honor, duty, and education, but as you all well know, I have not spent the last four years doing a single damn thing this bastard has told me to, so why start now?”

All the students in the auditorium cheered, and Edward grinned as he saw money change hands between faculty members. He looked over his shoulder, daring Mustang to stop him.

Mustang, who had been frowning, smirked at Edward’s challenging expression as if to say, ‘Do your worst.’

Edward grinned. Oh, he would.

“First of all, to get the one serious note out of the way, I would like a moment of silence for my mother, who passed away when I was nine, and who always hoped and dreamed that I would make it here one day. Mom, everything I’ve done was for you.”

The students respectfully bowed their heads, and Edward smiled softly at his little brother waved at him from the family section of the auditorium.

“All seriousness aside. At the beginning of this year, when it was clear to everyone but Russell Tringham that I would be giving this speech –“

“Screw you Ed!” Russell yelled from among his laughing classmates.

“You wish, Russ,” Ed retorted back, grinning wickedly at Russ’s snarl of rage. “I was approached by various classmates and faculty in regards to its content. My esteemed classmates wished me to give them a show to remember; the faculty wished me to settle some old scores for the sake of the substantial faculty betting pool.”

“And so, without further ado, and for the benefit of Coach Havoc,” Ed nodded to his PE teacher, “I will finally clarify a few old, unsettled scores, that I can no longer be held liable for.” Ed grinned as he noticed the eager anticipation among the faculty, as the infamous betting notebook emerged from under Mr. Fuery’s chair.

“Think back four years ago, to the epic defacing of the statue of Dr. Flamel, our esteemed founders’ statue in the courtyard. Yes, Dr. Flamel’s bronze suit was exchanged for a set of lurid pink Barbie clothes – complete with tramp shoes – by an undetected party during the fourth hour and right under the nose of our illustrious principle in a feat of alchemic genius. And yes, I was the one to somehow miraculously do this. Particulars aside, I will say that, Mr. Falman, you need to pay more attention during roll call, seeing that Winry Rockbell still can’t believe you thought she was me.” He grinned as Falman visibly flinched, and Mustang erupted into startled laughter behind him. Havoc gave Ed a thumbs up as he accepted money from Mr. Breda.

“Moving right along our little trip down memory lane, I must state that I am highly disappointed that anyone would think that it was I who set the snakes loose in the library two years ago. The library is hallowed, sacred ground, and I am still offended that anyone – with the exception of Mr. Hughes, thank you –“ he bowed his head to the school librarian, who waved back, “would think I would even entertain the notion of defacing its glorious academic beauty. However, once the snakes had been recaptured, I was the one to set them loose in the girl’s locker room. Blame Winry Rockbell, she started it.”

“Alchemy geek!” came the good natured yell from the graduating class.

“Automail freak!” he replied.

“Then there was the tulip incident two years ago. As the injured party in this case,” Mustang snorted from behind him, “I still cannot believe the obtuseness of certain individuals in this matter. Maybe if someone could tear himself away from his miniskirt daydreams –“

“Hey!”

“Then perhaps he would understand that no one else, and I repeat, no one else, ever believed that I would have the knowledge or ability to rearrange all the tulips that spell out the school’s name in the front flower bed to read, and I paraphrase for the sake of the gathered family members, ‘F-You, Mustang,’… well, I can certainly understand why you think I would write that, but am I a plant expert? Did I take botany every semester for four years? I think Russell Tringham deserves a round of applause for that one. I know I gave him one once I got out of detention.”

“You gave me a black eye, little bean!” Russ yelled, but he nevertheless stood up and bowed to the assembly. The audience roared with laughter. Edward gripped the podium, almost cracking the wood with his automail fist as he tried to control his temper. He succeeded, barely.

Hawkeye smirked as she collected that round.

“I know my classmates are getting impatient, so let’s sum up the remaining scores quickly. Yes, I spiked the teacher’s lounge coffeemaker with bourbon. Not that I noticed any of the faculty complaining. I was also the one to switch the regular for decaf the following day.”

“You little bastard!” Havoc yelled. Ed smirked.

“Mr. Hughes, I would suggest that you ask Mr. Mustang where your camera is, since it was he that I caught in the act of stealing it last semester.”

“DAMN IT ROY!” Hughes would’ve marched up on stage had his wife, also a teacher, not held him back.

“Edward!” came the warning voice from behind him. Ed grinned wider.

“Also, since I need no longer hide the fact, yes, Mr. Breda, I was the one who trapped the dogs in your classroom the day of our final. Or what was supposed to be our final…”

“I can still fail you!” Breda yelled.

“You should thank Mr. Mustang as well. He’s the one who told me of your phobia, and provided the dogs.”

“Mustang!”

“Edward!”

“And last but not least, Ms. Hawkeye, you scare me beyond all rational thought, so believe me when I say that I would never, ever, ever, give your dog a Red Bull under any circumstances, and I am still sorry for what the hyper Black Hayate did to your favorite pistol. Probably not as sorry as Hayate was once you were done with him, but still…” he smiled as he saw Hawkeye tense, and heard the faint whimper from Mustang behind him. 

“However, as much as I’d like to, I cannot blame Mr. Mustang for this, as I know for a fact he didn’t do it.” He grinned at the sigh of relief from behind him. “However, I can offer my condolences to Elicia, since she will shortly be without a… mother. Mrs. Hughes, how could you,” Ed asked with a wicked grin, smirking at the shocked laughter that erupted throughout the room.

“Gracia?!” Hawkeye yelped, turning to look at the one person she’d never suspected. 

“I’m so proud of you, honey!” Maes cheered, hugging his wife, who smirked and waved at Hawkeye. Money frantically changed hands around them.

“I believe that covers all my faculty obligations –“

“Don’t forget the swimming pool!” Havoc yelled. Ed grinned.

“Ah yes. That brilliant display of color-changing achievement was indeed my doing. Luckily, I can see that the swim team – the ‘Flamel Barracudas’ – have finally returned to their natural colorings in time for graduation.”

Havoc cheered as he collected his winnings on that round.

“Now that all faculty obligations are aside –“ he grinned at his graduating classmates, who leaned forward in anticipation. “Let’s move on the students’ request. I shan’t bore you with the particulars –“ Mustang groaned behind him – “but at the beginning of the year, I was approached by the senior class president and associates –“ he nodded his head to said students – “about one final prank. The prank to end all pranks, in fact. Given my activities over the course of the last four years, and the fact that I really do have a couch in Mustang’s office with my name on it,” he waved a hand towards the man behind him, “I was naturally intrigued. What could possibly top my long list of achievements?” He smirked as the faculty dove into gambling speculation. “When they told me their idea, I almost refused on the grounds of the sheer lunacy of it. However, they bade me give it consideration, and consider it I did – not because the class was offering me money to pull the prank off – but because this, against all my other pranks and dares and challenges, would truly earn my permanent place in the annals of Flamel Academy history.”

“Trust me, Edward, you’re already there,” Mustang muttered from behind him. Ed grinned.

“Alphonse, I trust everything is in order?” Edward waited for his brother to wave the affirmative signal at him. He turned back to his classmates, who were waiting in eager anticipation, while the rest of the audience wondered just what was going to happen.

“Challenge accepted.” His classmates erupted in wicked cheers and laughter, while the rest of the auditorium waited. And waited…

“But I have held up commencement long enough. Here’s to our future and blah blah blah.” He turned and glanced at Mustang with a feral grin, before turning back to the crowd. “The show must go on,” he finished, and hurried off the stage to the standing ovation he was receiving from his peers, who were pounding him on his back as he returned to his seat. The rest of the audience clapped politely, wondering what the hell had just happened… or was going to happen.

Mustang gulped as he, Bradley, and the rest of the school board rose to their feet. Those last words struck him as being incredibly ominous. As did the familiar evil smile Elric now sported from his place in the crowd below.


	2. aka The Prank to End All Pranks, Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The short but sweet conclusion of our tale.

“Cummins, Roger,” Bradley’s voice droned on, and the lanky teen walked across the stage and accepted his diploma from Principle Mustang with a handshake, then moved on to shake hands with the rest of the school board. Roy sighed – this was the part of the ceremony he hated the most – the monotonous handing out of diplomas to every graduating class member.

“Dean, Rebecca.” Parchment, handshake. Parchment, handshake. He was lucky this was a prestigious school – it meant the classes were smaller, but it never made the time seem to go faster as he handed out the diplomas.

And was it just him, or were the students sharing his desire to get out of here as well? Each one so far had grabbed their diploma and practically bolted off the stage. Had Edward done something to the lobby? The cafeteria where the post-graduation refreshments were? He hadn’t seen Edward leave… he had kept a wary eye on the teen since he had finished his speech.

“Denham, Mike.” Only a few students remained before ‘Elric’ was called. The blond stood in the line off the side of the stage, cocky grin in place. The girl behind him leaned forward and whispered something in his ear. Ed laughed and shook his head at her in reply.

“Drew, Howard.” Was Edward planning to crush his hand with his automail? Strip and streak off the stage? What could be so bad that he had to ‘consider it’ first? And be paid to do it?

“Dyers, Susan.” Roy felt a bead of sweat roll down his cheek as Edward’s grin turned feral. What the hell had he done this time?

“Elric, Edward.” Everything seemed to slow down for Roy with that fateful name. He swore he saw the last four years flash before his eyes as the golden haired, golden eyed teen stalked across the stage toward him. He absently clutched Ed’s diploma in his hand, barely noticing the graduates whipping out cameras, even as the rest of the auditorium caught on to the charged atmosphere.

Suddenly Edward was there. In front of him. Roy attempted to smirk.

“Congratulations, Ed.” He pushed the diploma forward as Ed reached for it...

“I’m glad you –“ he broke off as Ed bypassed the diploma and grabbed a fistful of Roy’s robes in strong automail.

“What the – Mmph!” Roy barely noticed the explosion of cameras flashing, of students cheering, of Maes screaming out, “Somebody better give me copies, damn it!”… because Edward Elric was kissing him.

Yes, Edward Elric. His arch-nemesis from the last four years, the bane of his existence, who did indeed have a couch reserved for his use in Roy’s office – apparently he like to take naps there – was playing tonsil hockey with his soon-to-be former high school principle. And said principle was surprised to find, hidden deep under the shock, that he was enjoying it immensely.

Edward pulled back from Roy, his diploma clutched in his hand. He wiped his mouth, gave Roy a saucy wink, and then turned and walked off the stage. Leaving Roy Mustang standing there, gaping like a goldfish. Edward disappeared into the hooting and hollering crowd of graduates, as the stage remained dead silent for several moments.

“Er…” Bradley coughed, “Gray, Christy?”

*****

“That was brilliant, Ed!” Fletcher slapped Edward on the back as he and Russell joined their family and friends in the cafeteria. Alphonse looked up from his discussion with Pinako and grinned.

“Here it is, brother,” he said, passing the stuffed envelope to his elder sibling. Edward grinned as the surrounding graduates cheered.

“It’s been a pleasure doing business with you, all of you,” he smirked as he slipped the envelope into a secure pocket.

“Would Edward Elric please report to the principle’s office? Now,” a familiar voice snarled over the intercom system. The room burst into laughter as Ed shrugged.

“I didn’t expect him to find our other surprise quite so soon, but whatever.” Ed grinned and marched out of the room, head held high as he waved at his peers as he left.

His footsteps echoed as he took the oh-so-familiar path through the empty hallways. He stepped into the familiar office, jumping as the door snapped shut with a loud ‘click’ behind him.

“Care to explain what happened to my couch, Elric?” Mustang asked as he stalked up to the teen. Ed grinned.

“Well, it did have my name on it, bastard. It’ll look fabulous in my dorm room next year,” he retorted with a careless shrug. Mustang only glowered at him, and Ed decided to stir the waters even more. “You should’ve seen your face on that stage. Priceless. No one’s ever gonna forget this one…”

“Because that kiss was hardly one to remember by itself, Edward. First time, I take it?” Mustang shot back with a smirk. Ed flushed angrily.

“You bastard, what do you mean – mmph!” Mustang rather enjoyed this new way of shutting Edward up, as the blond melted under his ministrations. He grinned as he pulled back.

“See, now that was one to remember, shorty,” he smirked affectionately, smoothing Edward’s bangs back with a gentle touch. Ed frowned.

“Shut up and keep kissing me, bastard!” Edward hissed, and Mustang laughed before complying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said last chapter, eventually I'll add more to this series. But for now, enjoy another FMA ficlet coming to you on Weds. Toodles!

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally a one-shot, but it morphed into so much more. You’ll find out about the ‘prank to end all pranks’ on Sunday… 
> 
> Eventually, this will be a series, with fics added about some of the individual pranks, as well as other events that transpire during Edwards reign of terror at the Academy... but this story is the one that started it all.
> 
> And if you like prank fics, and FFX, go read ‘Play with Fire’. Its some good stuff, I promise. Bye!


End file.
